"I Love You" While Dating... Do You Really?

I know that this may be a slightly controversial topic (which is never a good way to start off something!). However being the pastor of a young church, I feel like the topic should be address.

If you are simply dating someone, do you really love them? I would have a hard time saying that you truly do. So then, why would you say that very heavy, very important statement? That honestly doesn’t make much sense and I am willing to bet that most of the time when that statement is said it is from a completely emotional, and often sinful or ignorant heart. Here’s where I am coming from:

1 Corinthians 13 is the prototypical “love” chapter, and for good reason. Paul is literally defining love here. Let me pull out one simple verse, and use it to show why I think saying “I love you” while dating is silly. Verse 7 says, “Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.” Now, based off of that, let me ask you, when you are simply dating, do you bear, believe in, hope in, and endure all things? Well if you end up breaking up, then NO! And even if you don’t end up breaking up, do you by Biblical definition love the person yet? I would still say no.

So, here is the wild statement I am going to make and then try to spend the rest of the time defending. Saying, “I love you” before you commit is lying and often manipulative, and therefore should be avoided. We have to learn to be so careful with our words because they carry such great weight.  

You may say, “Isn’t this just being legalistic?” I would say if you find your righteousness because you don’t say, “I love you” before you are engaged, then yes, it is legalistic. However, if you are simply looking out for your brothers and sisters in Christ, then no, this isn’t legalistic, it is actually walking in love. 

You may also ask, “Why is this important?” There are three main reasons I can think of. The first is because you are really setting up his/her future spouse for failure in saying that you “love” the person, but then break up with them. Imagine you shower a girl in affection, you sweep her off her feet with poetry, you “love” and “cherish” her all the day long, and then break up. Later on someone else comes along, starts to date this women, and then tells her he “loves” her, and he really does because he is about to marry her. Satan could easily attack her in saying; “You know your last boyfriend said that too, what makes him any different?”

Or even worse than this, you are a little boy, and say “I love you” simply as a way to use the woman’s emotions and get some sort of personal pleasure out of it. Then when her husband comes along and tries to love her, she has this baggage that you created out of your selfishness.

Reason number two is that I think most people say “I love you” simply because they think love is an emotional feeling, rather than a personal commitment. Now, don’t get me wrong, I do not think that love is absent of feeling. Honestly, often because of the commitment, even stronger feelings come. But love in and of itself doesn’t always produce an overwhelming, honeymoon, “I can’t think of spending 12 seconds away from you,” feeling. Jesus Himself is a perfect example of this. He did not have a happy feeling going to the cross. He did it out of love. Love for him was obedience to the Father that produced a commitment from His end. So, do you really love someone because you have strong feeling? I would say no, you may be really infatuated with them, or lust after them, but you don’t love them. Love is commitment, and commitment comes when you are ready to say, “For richer or poorer, until death do us part.” This is commitment, this is love, you choosing to lay down your life for the sake of the other.

Finally, we have to be careful with some of the words we use. This is coming from a guy who says “literally,” when 94.3% of the time I say that I actually mean figuratively! James chapter 3 though says some pretty interesting things about the power of the tongue. The poison of hell is on it, a small spark sets a forest on fire, no human can control it, on and on it goes about the power of words. So, with love being such a strong word, why just use it flippantly, or because you just had your first kiss? That doesn’t make any sense.

Now, do I think those who chose not to say “I love you” are better? No, I really don’t. However, I am imploring those of you in relationships, or those that will be in relationships down the line, to think before you speak. What is love to you? I think we could do a better job at protecting each other’s hearts, and honestly make a good impression. Men, I implore you especially as the leaders in the relationship, show your woman some respect. I promise it will only end up good in the end. If you break up, you lost nothing in not saying it. If you end up getting married, you may have “suffered” for a while not expressing your feelings, but you will gain much respect later that will show her you are a man of your word, and you take you job at taking care of her seriously.

I would encourage you to go read 1 Corinthians 13, and then go put your relationship to the test. Does it stand underneath the principles of what love is? Or are you just saying this out of emotion? It may sounds like I am just nit-picking, but remember, if these women are Christians then they are actually God’s daughter, meaning she is a princess, a daughter of the King of the universe! How set apart (holy) should you treat her? I think we need to see them the way they truly are. Food for thought J   

Slaves to: Sin or Righteous?

Slave. That word by itself carries with it such a negative connotation doesn’t it? The World English Dictionary defines a slave as:

“a person legally owned by another and having no freedom of action or right to property; a person who is forced to work for another against his will; a person under the domination of another person or some habit or influence.”

In my basic definition I will say that slavery is, “anything that controls you.” If you grew up in America you are aware of the slavery our country practiced and the evil of it. You, my friend, are a slave and likely in much worse slavery than blacks were to whites! You are most likely a slave of the worst sorts. If you cannot control your desires, thoughts, emotions, actions, etc., then you are a slave to sin, and sin will destroy you in every way!

Beginning pretty early on in Scripture we see a shocking thing happen with the nation of Israel. For 400 years they were slaves to the nation of Egypt. They were forced into hard, fruitless labor, had little food, and probably were not very well taken care of. God chooses this nation however and rescues them from Pharaoh and Egypt. The Israelites were taken into the desert, shown unbelievable miracles in the parting and shutting of the Red Sea, they were given water when they were thirsty (miraculously), and even heard Moses sing a pretty sweet song!

However, the Israelites were now hungry and their food was running dry. Even though they just saw God do some of the greatest miracles ever, they began to bicker and complain. Exodus 16:3 says something you would probably choke yourself to death upon hearing. They said, “would that we have died by the hand of the Lord in the land of Egypt, when we sat by the meat pots and ate bread to the full…” They go on to say other absurd stuff, but you get the point. THEY WANT TO GO BACK TO SLAVERY… WHAT?!?

Now, I highly doubt they had meat to the abundant and bread to the full, because they were, “crying out to God” because of their slavery. This is what led God to move them to the Exodus in the first place (Ex. 2:23). I highly doubt life was good, but now, so shortly after seeing God move, they want to go back.

Another example of the Israelites crying out against God happens in Numbers 11:2-6. God is angry at the people, so He pours out His righteous holy wrath on them, and fire begins to consume people (whoa!). After seeing their friends get burned the people freak out, repent in verse 2, and the fire stops. Then (I am not kidding!) in verse 4 they begin to complain against the Lord!!!! You moron! They, “remember the fish [they] ate in Egypt that costs nothing, the cucumbers, the melons, the leeks…” I mean, fire did just consume your buddies! And you are saying the food in Egypt was free, right? No, it was the opposite! The food in Egypt cost a hefty price: freedom!  

You get the point, and I am sure you see the analogy and foreshadowing Scripture does a beautiful job at painting. Egypt is sin (which we are slaves to) and we are the dumb dumb Israelites! Jesus sees our slavery and comes and offers us freedom. However, we seem to love slavery and continue to try to bind ourselves to this disastrous situation.

So, let me say this again, and let it hit home for you personally. Slavery is anything that controls you. Anything that you want to run back to like the Israelites did, anything that tricks you into thinking it is better, anything that you cannot control is your slave-master, and it owns you. So, what is it? I know it hits each of us differently. Sexual sin (lust, masturbation, pornography, sex in the wrong context), alcohol, money, laziness, fear, anger, human praise, the list could go on, but which ones are you literally enslaved to.

You may be prone to think, “No, I am really not a slave.” I would say you are probably a fool, and you are fooling yourself. How many times have you tried to set a “goal” for yourself to not fall into a certain sin? “I won’t get drunk this week,” “I am going to stop thinking about these girls perversely,” “I am going to stop gossiping,” “I’m gonna stat working harder and not sleep until 11 everyday,” or whatever it is, only to fall again, usually even harder? Anything that you cannot control controls you. Sin is controlling, it is like Egypt, and most of us fall victim to it.

Depressing so far, but truthful. Here is the encouraging part: Jesus came to pay for that!!! Jesus came to set you free from slavery and bondage. Take a few seconds to look at some of these verses: John 8:32-36, Acts 13:38-39, Galatians 5:1, Romans 6:18. I love that last one especially because it says that we can be slaves to righteousness. We can literally be controlled by and compelled by righteousness and love! How awesome is that?

Why would you want to be controlled by things that kill you? That doesn’t make any sense! The Christian and the non-Christian fall into this over and over again. Christians, you have the power to be free from you sin according to Galatians 5:1. Non-Christians, you actually do not have the power because you need a Savior just like Israel did. You are in “forced labor” and you sin will control you all the way to the grave. You can try to break it, but I guarantee you won’t. And even if you do “break” the one sin you only fall victim to another one. You “defeat” lust only to fall into slavery to pride because now you think you are better then everyone. You “defeat” pride only to fall into depression because you beat yourself up everyday, the cycle will continue until death. But, the same good news is here for you too, you can turn to Jesus and let him lead and control you. You do not have to be a slave to your addiction that kills you and steals your joy. You can be free to do what gives you most pleasure, which is to pursue life and joy and freedom in Christ. 

Once freed by Christ you begin to literally become a slave to freedom and righteousness. You are controlled by love and forgiveness, not fear and failure. And the trick is (for both parties) to simply believe in the gospel! Run to Jesus and let Him give you Life. Run to him and experience freedom and the true bread from heaven, which is Him. Run to him and escape slavery, and become bond-servants of Him. So, what are you enslaved to? Surrender to the truth of the gospel and live in freedom, because it is for freedom you have been set free. Live as freemen (1 Pet. 2:16)!